The bitch is back

It took me a year but I decided to start blogging again.

I say that I decided but if I'm honest I've had a lot of people tell me lately that I should have a blog and it seemed like a good idea. By "a lot" I mean three, but three can be a lot, can't it? Like, if I had three different kinds of cancer I would call it a lot. "I have a lot of cancer," I might say. "Can someone summon the devil for me?" I'm assuming I wouldn't have the wherewithal to summon him myself on account of having a lot of cancer.

Well, that took a turn.

If you are one of the three people who suggested that I have a blog and you have gone through and read the old stuff I posted I feel like I have a lot of 'splainin to do and I'd rather do it now so we can all move on together to more interesting topics like That Time I Accidentally Bought a Ukulele Instead of a Jim Carrey Movie, and Once Upon a Time A Guy Paid Me Twenty Bucks to Touch His Eyebrows.

(I later punched that man in the face.)

I've read through my previous posts on this blog and have compiled a list of questions that you may have so that what I post going forward won't seem like such a departure. I would call it a FAQ but they're not actually all questions and not only have they not been asked frequently but I in fact made them all up myself, so ... you know. Let's just get this out of the way, because you've probably got Pokemon to catch or Dat Boi memes to post. I know I need to go online and find more recent pop culture references to use next time I blog. Just typing "Dat Boi" felt wrong.

Q: Why were you so fixated on being single?

A: Because I used to be active in the Mormon church and I attended a congregation for single adults between the ages of 18 and 31. Every single week someone would talk about how we all needed to get married and have children because otherwise we wouldn't count as real people.

That's not exactly what was said but that's what was implied. Despite the fact that all of us could vote and fight in the military we were not treated like adults because we were single.

I could also go on about the problems inherent in 18-year-old women and 30-year-old men being in the same dating pool but I would sound like a very bitter woman in her thirties, whereas in reality I am only moderately bitter.

I could go on about a lot of things vis-a-vis the singles ward, and I probably will later, but for now let's just say that I was taught to fixate on my single status.

Q: Why aren't you Mormon anymore?

A: Hoo boy. That is a three-hour story. And a lot of it is very deeply personal. But I will say that I don't hate Mormons, or the Mormon church, and for the most part I don't have any bad feelings. Some of the people I love most are Mormon and I hope that they always will be. It just didn't work out for me. I honestly can't imagine myself ever going back. Too many things would have to change both in the church and in my life and it seems extremely unlikely.

Q: What does your family think about you not attending church?

A: I'm assuming they're disappointed but we don't talk about things in my family. We're much too passive-aggressive. But being disappointed in me is part of the experience of knowing me, so that's probably not a new phenomenon.

Q: Do you still maintain your list of faults?

A: It still exists. I just haven't updated it in ages. I could probably double it if I did.

Q: Are you still single?

A: Yes, but also no. I'm gonna write about that later.

Q: What happened with the tiny potatoes?

A: I suspected Marxism and I threw them away.

Q: Did you ever wear your snazzy dress again?

A: I did, twice, but after the first time the snazziness seemed to have worn off. I'm just not a dress person. I'm more of an Underoos person. Did you know they make Underoos for adults? They do. They make Underoos for adults. Granted, they're not usually appropriate for the sort of occasion people wear dresses to. But I usually just don't go to those. If I have to dress up for your party, I am not going to your party. Friends don't invite friends to themed celebrations.

Q: Are you actually going to keep this blog updated this time or are you going to do it for a month and give up again?

A: Gonna try to keep this one going, although I've been under the weather lately. If it turns out I've got a lot of cancer, I'm giving up.