For a good time

The advantage of having a blog that no one knows about is that you can just not update for a while without people asking you why you aren't updating.

I wouldn't mind people asking why I'm not updating. It has to be better than the similar-sounding question I have gotten a lot lately, which is, "Why aren't you dating?"

If you think I'm going to write a few paragraphs about why I'm single and leave it at that, then please allow me to introduce myself, because clearly we have never met. In fact, I suspect large swaths of this blog will be wasted by my listing, at length and in great detail, the many reasons I am going to die alone in a house full of cats.

Is it really anyone's business why I'm not dating? I mean, I know that I'm 30 and a size 8 and so my prospects at this point are probably limited to abusive alcoholics, closeted gays, and men with rampant pornography problems. I just don't understand why people who normally respect my boundaries get all gossipy when it comes to my nonexistent love life. I know plenty of married people and I don't think it would ever occur to me to ask any one of them how their marriage is going, or why they're still married. It's none of my freaking business. Also, as a general rule once single friends get married they become more or less dead to me. It's nothing personal, I just can't stand their married smugness.

But as long as we're on the topic, here's a story to help explain why I never go out on dates.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my bishop about how frustrating it is that Mormon men find me unappealing. I mean, look at me. I'm adorable! But apparently I am also slightly terrifying. I know this now. I used to be less self-aware but a few months ago a friend and I were talking and she was making eyes at a man she's interested in.

"He's not going to come over here while I'm talking to you," she said. "I think he's afraid of you."

At first I wasn't sure why he'd be afraid of me. Then I remembered the one conversation I'd had with him, at a church activity. He had struck up a conversation with me and then, like twenty minutes later, I realized he looked really horrified and he said he had to go do homework and he left really fast without saying goodbye to anyone. I may have told him one too many scary library stories. Although in my defense, he kept on asking me all these leading questions, like, "How's work going?"

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have opened with a story involving the police.

I digress.

I was telling my bishop how I'm probably going to have to flirt to convert if I want to get married in the temple, and he didn't believe me. He is convinced that there is a Mormon man out there for me, and that I will find him.

And then the bishop gave me one of the worst pieces of advice anyone has ever given me. He said to me, and I quote, "Just be yourself."

I'm sure he meant well. For most people "Be yourself" is good advice. But I think that if I'm ever going to convince a man to enter into a binding legal contract with me and tie together our respective credit scores, I'm going to have to be someone else for at least a little while. Preferably someone normal.

A few weeks ago a guy in my ward messaged me on Facebook to ask for my phone number. He wasn't interested in me, he was just trying to keep me from posting dating memes on the ward Facebook page.* I wasn't sure what to do. No one has ever asked for my phone number before. Was I supposed to just give it to him?

So I typed out my phone number, but I felt like I should say something, you know? I'm not good at brevity. I'm always more comfortable when I'm being clever. I thought, Bishop told me to be myself. So I added, "May I ask what you plan on doing with this information? Because I've already posted it in several public bathrooms and apparently no one is interested in a good time."

I was very proud of myself for being so clever.

The guy didn't know what to say. He managed an "LOL" and then didn't type anything for a few minutes.

"You are being terrifying again," I snapped at myself. "You be nice!"

And I tried, I really did, but then the guy asked what I like to do for fun.

I thought of the things that normal people like to do, but I don't enjoy any of them. I wasn't sure what to say. What do I like to do for fun? Oh, gosh, who AM I?

Be yourself, said my shoulder devil.

"I enjoy correcting people and reading books about the military," I typed.

Suffice it to say, the young man has not called me, and I don't think he ever will. 

So if you have been wondering why I am neither updating nor dating, here's why: I'm much too busy being myself. I'm having a good time. And if you want to have a good time, too, call me.




*I know this to be true because I said, between memes, that I was going to keep posting them until I got asked out.